How to Die in Middle Earth 101
by REMdream
Summary: A guide on how to die in Middle Earth. Started writing this at sleep-deprived o'clock. R&R if you'd like more. btw These are worst case scenarios. Now follow Mary Jane as she proceeds to make every mistake in the book.
1. Case One: Foot in Mouth Disease

Case One: Foot in Mouth Disease

 **1.** If you are from the East Coast, do remember to say so. They will associate you with Easterlings and kill you.

 **2.** If you are from the South, proclaim it shamelessly. They will take it as you being a Southron and kill you.

 **3.** Say the inscription on the Ring in Black Speech. Everyone will be very impressed and kill you.

 **4.** In fact, if you mention the Ring at all and you'll probably get killed.

 **5.** Don't conceal your knowledge of characters and their pasts. They totally won't get freaked out and kill you.

 **6.** Whatever you do, you have to talk to some Trolls. They will most definitely invite you to dinner, and the great thing is that you'll be served as the main course!

 **7.** Call any and every Elf you come across a "Tree Hugger" and a "Land Lubber" for good measure. They love that.

 **8.** And tell every Dwarf "Yo Mamma" jokes. It's a really great conversation starter. I wouldn't be surprised if they threw you down a mine shaft in pure joy.

 **9.** Also, make sure to tell the Hobbits that they're short and weak. You definitely won't be on the bad end of a mob after that.

 **10.** In any case, keep your mouth open and ears shut. You never know what you're going to say so it'll be a surprise for both you and the unexpected person.


	2. Case Two: Judging Books by Their Covers

Case Two: They Judge Books by Their Cover

 **1.** Have black/brown eyes. This is a trait only known to Easterlings and Southrons alone. The Free Peoples of Middle Earth will recognize this and kill you.

 **2.** Pasty white skin is a must. See no. 1.

 **3.** Straight black hair is all the rage in the South-East. See no. 1... again.

 **4.** Also, nothing says kill me quite like wearing some authentic Orc armor. Although, where would you get Orc armor?

 **5.** Go steal some Orc's armor. You probably won't die in the process.

 **6.** On another note, I hear arrow piercings are what the cool people are wearing. Specifically the cool dead people.


	3. Case three: Friendly Diseases & Poisons

Case Three: Friendly Diseases and Poisons

 **1.** Eat the janky looking mushrooms you find along your path. If you don't die from the unknown poison, at least you'll get a good high.

 **2.** If you run across a pack of Wargs, play with them. One of them is bound to bight you and transfer a bad case of rabies into your nervous system. The end result is of course death.

 **3.** Never wash your hands. As they say; in Rome do as the Romans, and catch the Plague.

 **4.** This one is very simple. You see something edible, eat it. It's the simplest way to die in a place where the phrase _personal hygiene_ has not yet been coined.

 **5.** And now I'm gonna stop because I can't think of another thing to put on here.

. . .

 **6.** But speaking of arrow piercings, the poison ones are much more fashionable. What are my sources you may ask? Boromir Vogue, Corps Edition of course.


	4. Case Four: Harmless Trinkets

Case Four: Harmless Trinkets

 **1.** Bring a bunch of one dollar bills and show them to everyone you meet. The pyramid on the back will establish your allegiance to Sauron.

 **2.** Fire opals are really fun to wear around, especially in front of Elves. They'll think you've found a Silmaril and execute you for stealing it.

 **3.** Feel free to bring a replica of the One Ring. I doubt the Nine would overlook it.

 **4.** In fact, the necklace of the evenstar is an awesome thing to wear as well.

 **5.** Just wear anything that would make you look suspicious then say something stupid and you'll probably be dead before dessert.

 **6.** Also, I'm running out of ideas.

 **7.** What? I'm just being honest.

 **8.** Speaking of arrows, not only are the poisonous ones fancy shmancy. Light them on fire and you'll have your whole outfit on fleek! Isn't that right Kili?

 **9.** Oh wait. _He's_ the one that got poisoned...

 **10.** Meh. I don't care.


	5. Chapter 1 Bland and Blander

Mary Jane.

Kind of a bland name don't you think?

Well, Mary Jane, is nothing but bland, laid back, boring, uncaring, and slightly psychopathic (but that was implied.)

Even her appearance is a bland grey. Her flat raven hair and nearly black eyes make her porcelain like skin seem even paler; even though, she had a fairly healthy ruddy look about her. (And if you don't know what ruddy means then read a book you uncultured swine.)

Anyway, you get the point by now right? Mary Jane was as bland as any human being could possibly get. Hardly gets excited about anything. So when she was thrown into Middle-earth she could hardly care less when she was taken in by the Rangers of Ithillion for questioning. They of course thought she was an Easterling by the features of her physique. Mainly her hair, skin, and eyes.

When asked if she was an Easterling she looked back confused.

"Do you mean to ask me if I come from the east?"

They answered yes and she grinned completely oblivious to the urgency of the situation, "Oh you know it! I'm a southerner too and proud of it!"

After this statement the men promptly saw no need to keep her alive and executed her at dawn.


End file.
